Jackie Smith, night club bouncer

I've become irritated (no, really) by one of David Cameron's Tweets. It linked me to this post about how knife crime has increased under the Labour government. Now, between them Gordon Brown, Jackie Smith and Jack Straw are responsible for many things but I don' t think that includes increasing levels of violence on the streets in Britain.

Picture this scene. Exterior. Night. Outside a club.

Jackie Smith (Home Secretary and part-time night-club bouncer, wearing her stab-proof vest): 'Scuse me. I said, 'scuse me.

Clubber 1: Me?

JS: Yeah, you. And your pissed-up friend.

(Clubber 2 staggers slightly while trying to stay upright)

Clubber 1: You not going to let me in?

JS: Just need to ask you a couple of questions.

Clubber 1: Well, all right then.

JS: Got a knife on you?

Clubber 1 (outraged): Who me? No! Course not!

JS (producing evil-looking hunting knife): Best take this. You'll need it. It's as rough as all fuck in there.

(Clubber 1 takes knife gingerly)

JS (producing bag of powdery substance): See if you can flog this while you're in there. You'll need the cash to pay for the drinks. Stay off the voddie. It's watered.

Clubber 1: Thanks. Thanks very much.

JS: On you go. What are you waiting for?

See, I can't see that happening. Politicians don't commit crime. Well, apart from Jeffrey Archer and he's more of a buffoon than a real politician. The crimes politicians commit are either too small and procedural to bother anybody with or so big they can't really be recognised for ages. At least they are in Britain.

Neither can they be held responsible for the crimes that others commit. The cabinet doesn't include "Organising the Stabbing Rota" in its deliberations. Any knife crime arranged by the cabinet would most probably include who gets to put it in the back of the Prime Minister. For the Opposition to say that it's the government's fault that knife crime is rising rather the the fault of the scummy little bags of shite who actually do the stabbing is just scoring points. It achieves nothing.

And it's the same with nearly all the campaigns run by all political parties everywhere, except possibly in Zimbabwe. There I think it's plausible to hold politicians responsible for stabbings, shootings and beatings because it's likely that some of them at least are politically organised. Not in London, though because I don't think anything is organised there.

Who the **** is Peter Kay?

How the sod did Peter Kay become Britain's favourite comic? He's just a fat bloke from the north of England who should be on a diet instead on the telly.

O tempora, o mores. Oh bugger it.

I'm torn, really torn by Damien Green

From the BBC News website

Normally, when I hear about a Tory politician getting arrested I laugh my socks off. When Jonathan Aitken was disarmed of his sword of truth and found it turned back on him, I laughed off not only my socks but my shoes, feet and the lower part of my left leg. When I heard that Damien Green had been arrested, I was sure he'd been involved in some dodgy dungeon party in the company of Max Mosely. I was mistaken.

Instead, Damien Green, the Conservatives' immigration spokesman was arrested so the police could question him about his part in leaks from the Home Office over the past few months. It seems that David Normington, the Permanent Under-Secretary of State at the Home Office was concerned that the leaks from the department were undermining its ability to function. (See the Permanent Secretary's statement here.)

There have long been problems with this department. It's the source of very many extremely unpopular and occasionally illiberal pieces of legislation. As a result, civil servants are occasionally faced with dealing with policies they can't support or come into possession of documents which contradict publicly stated policy. Now, ministers are entitled to a certain discretion from civil servants, and the mandarins who actually run the government depend on the loyalty and discretion of those in their departments in order for government to function. If a civil servant leaked every policy paper or sheaf of statistics which came across their desk, then nothing would ever actually get done.

In this case, Sir Humphrey in the form of David Normington has had a complete sense of humour failure. He said in his statement, "The Home Office has suffered a number of leaks of sensitive information over an extended period. Due to the nature of our business this was clearly a matter of serious concern, in that it risked undermining the effective operation of my department." He went on, "I therefore requested police assistance in trying to identify the sources of these leaks." The police arrested a junior civil servant on 19 November and there the matter really could have rested.

It's all got a bit political though. In arresting Damien Green, the police have assaulted Parliament itself. He wasn't doing anything other than holding the government to account. Mr Speaker Martin must have been involved in allowing the police officers into the Commons to effect their search of Damien Green's office. His position may become untenable. David Normington did not inform his political masters of what was going on. His job is probably at risk too. The Home Secretary really doesn't need these distractions. She'll probably need that stab vest again soon.

What is really at risk are our liberties. Parliament, as ineffective as it has been is still the guardian of our freedom. Our Members of Parliament have to be free to challenge the government and hold them to account for their words and actions. The arrest of Damien Green undermines that and it's not funny at all.

You want a bag for that?

I was in Sainsbury's today and was asked if I'd like a bag for a magazine and a Mars bar. I might have said yes had I been embarrassed by either the magazine or the Mars bar, but Octane is porn only for petrolheads and I'm secure about my need for cheap chocolate. I was asked of I'd like a bag for much the same stuff in WHSmith a couple of days ago. If people need bags, they'll ask for them.

Thank you.

The tyrrany of blank space

And the awful possibility that I can't spell 'tyrrany.' Or possibly 'tyranny.'

I can't. The red, squiggly line appears under two Rs and one N, but one R and two Ns looks wrong even though I know that 'tyrant' is spelled correctly. It's a dreadful social embarrassment in a text-based world. You want to communicate but you can't be sure that what you type is going to be acceptable to the grammar nazis. It's a bit like giving in to a deep need for flatulence-based humour on the first visit to the in-laws.

Anyway, the subject wouldn't have arisen had I not felt the compulsion to write something and then had the first thing I wrote given the red-pen treatment by the Electronic English Teacher of Death.

4/10 - See me later.
The Electronic English Teacher of Death.

So Alistair Darling, a man who looks as if he should be leading Harry Hill's Badger Parade rather than the economy, want to borrow £78 billion this year and £118 billion next year. He's going to pay it back some time and will definitely be heading back to the black in 2015. I think it's possible that some of the people who used to run the banks that were nationalised are now working at HM Treasury and working their unique style of magic there now. God help us all.

We're going to be paying a lower rate of VAT but that won't mean cheaper booze or fags to help us deal with life in Credit Crunched Britain, or cheaper petrol to help us run away. No. Uncle Alistair is going to increase the duty on them to counteract the cuts in VAT on those items. And he's not going to soak the rich. He's not even going to get them slightly damp. He's going to give them a swift wipe down with a lemon-scented towelette while apologising for the inconvenience.

Yvette Cooper wants us all to spend more to do our bit to support the economy. I'd love to support my local Aston Martin dealer. I think I'll go and have a word with my bank manager and tell him I'm not doing it because I want a really nice car, I'm doing it so that the salesman's family won't starve. I intend to pay for it starting in 2015 with my increased earnings once I've had a couple of really big promotions and paid off my mortgage.

So, I hear you've got a blog

Well, yes. I do have a blog. It's a bit like a pet given to an ungrateful child. Nobody pays attention to it until it comes up the child's humph to inspect it after weeks or months of neglect and there is the empty space where the cage used to be.

"Where's the rabbit?" asks the child, who can't remember the poor creature's name.

"The rabbit's dead," says a harrassed parent, with some bluntness.

"When did it die?"

"Months ago and you didn't notice."

"Oh." The bottom lip is quivering at this point. The child's. The parent is too pissed off to bother with quivery-lipped infants.

"It was always me who had to clean it out and see that it was fed," says the parent. "Don't pretend now that you cared for it at all."

This blog is much like that long-forgotten childhood pet. It comes to mind only when the owner is completely bored or is prompted by someone who asks, "I hear you've got a blog." I have indeed got a blog. It's just not very well.

Oh dear

Told you I got obsessed.