So Alistair Darling, a man who looks as if he should be leading Harry Hill's Badger Parade rather than the economy, want to borrow £78 billion this year and £118 billion next year. He's going to pay it back some time and will definitely be heading back to the black in 2015. I think it's possible that some of the people who used to run the banks that were nationalised are now working at HM Treasury and working their unique style of magic there now. God help us all.

We're going to be paying a lower rate of VAT but that won't mean cheaper booze or fags to help us deal with life in Credit Crunched Britain, or cheaper petrol to help us run away. No. Uncle Alistair is going to increase the duty on them to counteract the cuts in VAT on those items. And he's not going to soak the rich. He's not even going to get them slightly damp. He's going to give them a swift wipe down with a lemon-scented towelette while apologising for the inconvenience.

Yvette Cooper wants us all to spend more to do our bit to support the economy. I'd love to support my local Aston Martin dealer. I think I'll go and have a word with my bank manager and tell him I'm not doing it because I want a really nice car, I'm doing it so that the salesman's family won't starve. I intend to pay for it starting in 2015 with my increased earnings once I've had a couple of really big promotions and paid off my mortgage.