The Caravan Club and the Demise of Democracy

Amess Takes Bung from Caravanners

I've always thought that caravanners were bent destroying commerce by dragging their ugly, useless boxes behind their cars. I've also always thought that the self-satisfied bastards had it in for me, but that's just paranoia and the medication is helping with what others insist on calling delusions. Not even I ever thought that they would follow in the footsteps of Big Business everywhere and give money to an MP in an attempt to gain access to the Mother of Parliaments.

Just in case there are legal people reading, I should make it plain that David Amess has declared the payments from the Caravan Club in the Register of Members' Interests and that I'm prepared to believe Mr Amess' claim that his failure to declare an interest was an honest oversight.

I still find it very strange that the Caravan Club, of all people, should find it necessary to pay money to Mr Amess for services rendered. It might be that they've found out about my proposal to have caravans banned from the roads during the hours of daylight and for the RAF to be empowered to use any caravans it finds breaking curfew as target practice. I can see why they would find my plans a threat to their member's interests and feel the need to have their concerns raised by an MP. What I don't understand is why they need to pay an MP for his time when presumably they have a member somewhere in Southend West who could have dropped Mr Amess a line for the price of a second class stamp.

There are a number of explanations for this. The first is that the Caravan Club is daft. This is plausible. After all, they think its a good idea to drag a cheaply furnished box on wheels around the country rather than fork out a few quid for a B&B or hotel room. They may not realise that MPs work for us and have to take our concerns as consitituents seriously. I've been trying to get my MP to take my suggestions about caravans and the RAF on board for some time. Maybe I should stick a couple of used fivers in the next envelope and see if that helps.

The Caravan Club contributes to a environment in which it's normal to pay for access to Parliament. It gives the subscriptions of between 14o and 3oo members to Mr Amess in return for a few lunches on the terrace in the House of Commons and questions to ministers reflecting the interests of its members. Even I will admit that the Caravan Club is not a malign influence. Not really. Except when I'm drunk. Then they are the devil incaravanate.

There are others who will pay MPs whose interests are less benign. They want to influence government ministers and while MPs are acting in their interests, they are not necessarily acting in ours. The Caravan Club story is funny. It tickled me at the end of a week which was otherwise quite depressing but it raises a serious point: who are MPs working for? If it's for us, then why are they taking money from anyone else? If it's not for us, then why are we paying them anything at all?

Jackie Smith, night club bouncer

I've become irritated (no, really) by one of David Cameron's Tweets. It linked me to this post about how knife crime has increased under the Labour government. Now, between them Gordon Brown, Jackie Smith and Jack Straw are responsible for many things but I don' t think that includes increasing levels of violence on the streets in Britain.

Picture this scene. Exterior. Night. Outside a club.

Jackie Smith (Home Secretary and part-time night-club bouncer, wearing her stab-proof vest): 'Scuse me. I said, 'scuse me.

Clubber 1: Me?

JS: Yeah, you. And your pissed-up friend.

(Clubber 2 staggers slightly while trying to stay upright)

Clubber 1: You not going to let me in?

JS: Just need to ask you a couple of questions.

Clubber 1: Well, all right then.

JS: Got a knife on you?

Clubber 1 (outraged): Who me? No! Course not!

JS (producing evil-looking hunting knife): Best take this. You'll need it. It's as rough as all fuck in there.

(Clubber 1 takes knife gingerly)

JS (producing bag of powdery substance): See if you can flog this while you're in there. You'll need the cash to pay for the drinks. Stay off the voddie. It's watered.

Clubber 1: Thanks. Thanks very much.

JS: On you go. What are you waiting for?

See, I can't see that happening. Politicians don't commit crime. Well, apart from Jeffrey Archer and he's more of a buffoon than a real politician. The crimes politicians commit are either too small and procedural to bother anybody with or so big they can't really be recognised for ages. At least they are in Britain.

Neither can they be held responsible for the crimes that others commit. The cabinet doesn't include "Organising the Stabbing Rota" in its deliberations. Any knife crime arranged by the cabinet would most probably include who gets to put it in the back of the Prime Minister. For the Opposition to say that it's the government's fault that knife crime is rising rather the the fault of the scummy little bags of shite who actually do the stabbing is just scoring points. It achieves nothing.

And it's the same with nearly all the campaigns run by all political parties everywhere, except possibly in Zimbabwe. There I think it's plausible to hold politicians responsible for stabbings, shootings and beatings because it's likely that some of them at least are politically organised. Not in London, though because I don't think anything is organised there.

So Alistair Darling, a man who looks as if he should be leading Harry Hill's Badger Parade rather than the economy, want to borrow £78 billion this year and £118 billion next year. He's going to pay it back some time and will definitely be heading back to the black in 2015. I think it's possible that some of the people who used to run the banks that were nationalised are now working at HM Treasury and working their unique style of magic there now. God help us all.

We're going to be paying a lower rate of VAT but that won't mean cheaper booze or fags to help us deal with life in Credit Crunched Britain, or cheaper petrol to help us run away. No. Uncle Alistair is going to increase the duty on them to counteract the cuts in VAT on those items. And he's not going to soak the rich. He's not even going to get them slightly damp. He's going to give them a swift wipe down with a lemon-scented towelette while apologising for the inconvenience.

Yvette Cooper wants us all to spend more to do our bit to support the economy. I'd love to support my local Aston Martin dealer. I think I'll go and have a word with my bank manager and tell him I'm not doing it because I want a really nice car, I'm doing it so that the salesman's family won't starve. I intend to pay for it starting in 2015 with my increased earnings once I've had a couple of really big promotions and paid off my mortgage.