Test of VR+ Lite

https://vr.shapeservices.com/play.php?hash=01871b668bd0cd91876924847bf4700ad2e484c739bdf2e21

This is a test of something which isn't quite as good as AudioBoo.

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Recorded on iPhone and posted with VR+ Lite.
http://vr.shapeservices.com

Westminster's Got Talent

I think the honourable members have missed a trick. They've gone and elected John Bercow MP as their speaker. They should have have got Simon Cowell in to advise them on the process and ignored the House of Commons officials. You know, the ones who said it was all right to have the taxpayer pay for their moat to be dredged or their new duck house or the mortgage they've already paid off. They obviously know nothing.

In order to fit in with the zeitgeist, Simon Cowell would have run a much more interactive process from which he - and they - could have made a pile of cash. Anne Widdecombe could have sung a song in an unexpectedly beautiful voice for a start. Margaret Hodge does a very good impersonation of John Culshaw and John Burcow can juggle ferrets. There's not one of them who wouldn't do something daft to gain the approval of the electorate. We could then pick the winner in telephone vote on a Saturday night.

If we got to pick the Speaker he would see to it that the members of Parliament would actually get on wth the job of representing us rather than finding ever more creative ways to justify claiming for a gazebo on expenses.

The Caravan Club and the Demise of Democracy

Amess Takes Bung from Caravanners

I've always thought that caravanners were bent destroying commerce by dragging their ugly, useless boxes behind their cars. I've also always thought that the self-satisfied bastards had it in for me, but that's just paranoia and the medication is helping with what others insist on calling delusions. Not even I ever thought that they would follow in the footsteps of Big Business everywhere and give money to an MP in an attempt to gain access to the Mother of Parliaments.

Just in case there are legal people reading, I should make it plain that David Amess has declared the payments from the Caravan Club in the Register of Members' Interests and that I'm prepared to believe Mr Amess' claim that his failure to declare an interest was an honest oversight.

I still find it very strange that the Caravan Club, of all people, should find it necessary to pay money to Mr Amess for services rendered. It might be that they've found out about my proposal to have caravans banned from the roads during the hours of daylight and for the RAF to be empowered to use any caravans it finds breaking curfew as target practice. I can see why they would find my plans a threat to their member's interests and feel the need to have their concerns raised by an MP. What I don't understand is why they need to pay an MP for his time when presumably they have a member somewhere in Southend West who could have dropped Mr Amess a line for the price of a second class stamp.

There are a number of explanations for this. The first is that the Caravan Club is daft. This is plausible. After all, they think its a good idea to drag a cheaply furnished box on wheels around the country rather than fork out a few quid for a B&B or hotel room. They may not realise that MPs work for us and have to take our concerns as consitituents seriously. I've been trying to get my MP to take my suggestions about caravans and the RAF on board for some time. Maybe I should stick a couple of used fivers in the next envelope and see if that helps.

The Caravan Club contributes to a environment in which it's normal to pay for access to Parliament. It gives the subscriptions of between 14o and 3oo members to Mr Amess in return for a few lunches on the terrace in the House of Commons and questions to ministers reflecting the interests of its members. Even I will admit that the Caravan Club is not a malign influence. Not really. Except when I'm drunk. Then they are the devil incaravanate.

There are others who will pay MPs whose interests are less benign. They want to influence government ministers and while MPs are acting in their interests, they are not necessarily acting in ours. The Caravan Club story is funny. It tickled me at the end of a week which was otherwise quite depressing but it raises a serious point: who are MPs working for? If it's for us, then why are they taking money from anyone else? If it's not for us, then why are we paying them anything at all?

The Four Pigmen of the Aporkalypse

It's seems we are all going to die and it's the fault of some Mexican pigs. Something like that, anyway. I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention this week. I've been on holiday and done the usual holiday things like sitting around in my pants eating ice cream and waiting for the next meal time. I really should have spent some of my valuable time off worrying about swine flu.

Anyway, if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are War, Famine, Pestilence and Death then the Four Pigmen of the Aporkalypse have to be Rumour, Exaggeration, Baseless Worry and Hospitalisation. I heard yesterday (in an IRC chat, so it must be true) that the Government had bought "literally fuck-loads" of those little masks you see Japanese people wearing in photos of people looking like poorly disguised idiots in heavy traffic. I also heard that (in the same well-informed conversation) that thousands of people were sick in America. Of the flu, obviously. This led one young chap (it had to be a chap, this was an IRC chat after all) to lose his cool somewhat. "ZOMFG!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FREAKING DIE OF FREAKING MEXICAN PIG DISEASE!!!!!!!!! IT'S IN MY TOWN!!!!! IT'S IN MY TOWN!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE.!!!! I'M GOING TO SHOOT ALL THE MEXICAN PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Or something like that. It took us a little while to calm him down, but we did it in the end. We laughed quite a lot, but maybe quite nervously.

The truth is that so far, as long as you're not poor and Mexican, a spell of isolation in hospital and good medical care will see you though if you are unlucky enough to contract this particular flu. You can reduce your chances of contracting the virus by behaving as if you were being visited by a particularly stern aunt. Use a paper hankie when you sneeze and get rid of if quickly. Wash your hands. Keep doorknobs and other hard surfaces clean. Avoid snottery people.

That last measure can be advice for life in general.

Jackie Smith, night club bouncer

I've become irritated (no, really) by one of David Cameron's Tweets. It linked me to this post about how knife crime has increased under the Labour government. Now, between them Gordon Brown, Jackie Smith and Jack Straw are responsible for many things but I don' t think that includes increasing levels of violence on the streets in Britain.

Picture this scene. Exterior. Night. Outside a club.

Jackie Smith (Home Secretary and part-time night-club bouncer, wearing her stab-proof vest): 'Scuse me. I said, 'scuse me.

Clubber 1: Me?

JS: Yeah, you. And your pissed-up friend.

(Clubber 2 staggers slightly while trying to stay upright)

Clubber 1: You not going to let me in?

JS: Just need to ask you a couple of questions.

Clubber 1: Well, all right then.

JS: Got a knife on you?

Clubber 1 (outraged): Who me? No! Course not!

JS (producing evil-looking hunting knife): Best take this. You'll need it. It's as rough as all fuck in there.

(Clubber 1 takes knife gingerly)

JS (producing bag of powdery substance): See if you can flog this while you're in there. You'll need the cash to pay for the drinks. Stay off the voddie. It's watered.

Clubber 1: Thanks. Thanks very much.

JS: On you go. What are you waiting for?

See, I can't see that happening. Politicians don't commit crime. Well, apart from Jeffrey Archer and he's more of a buffoon than a real politician. The crimes politicians commit are either too small and procedural to bother anybody with or so big they can't really be recognised for ages. At least they are in Britain.

Neither can they be held responsible for the crimes that others commit. The cabinet doesn't include "Organising the Stabbing Rota" in its deliberations. Any knife crime arranged by the cabinet would most probably include who gets to put it in the back of the Prime Minister. For the Opposition to say that it's the government's fault that knife crime is rising rather the the fault of the scummy little bags of shite who actually do the stabbing is just scoring points. It achieves nothing.

And it's the same with nearly all the campaigns run by all political parties everywhere, except possibly in Zimbabwe. There I think it's plausible to hold politicians responsible for stabbings, shootings and beatings because it's likely that some of them at least are politically organised. Not in London, though because I don't think anything is organised there.

Who the **** is Peter Kay?

How the sod did Peter Kay become Britain's favourite comic? He's just a fat bloke from the north of England who should be on a diet instead on the telly.

O tempora, o mores. Oh bugger it.

I'm torn, really torn by Damien Green

From the BBC News website

Normally, when I hear about a Tory politician getting arrested I laugh my socks off. When Jonathan Aitken was disarmed of his sword of truth and found it turned back on him, I laughed off not only my socks but my shoes, feet and the lower part of my left leg. When I heard that Damien Green had been arrested, I was sure he'd been involved in some dodgy dungeon party in the company of Max Mosely. I was mistaken.

Instead, Damien Green, the Conservatives' immigration spokesman was arrested so the police could question him about his part in leaks from the Home Office over the past few months. It seems that David Normington, the Permanent Under-Secretary of State at the Home Office was concerned that the leaks from the department were undermining its ability to function. (See the Permanent Secretary's statement here.)

There have long been problems with this department. It's the source of very many extremely unpopular and occasionally illiberal pieces of legislation. As a result, civil servants are occasionally faced with dealing with policies they can't support or come into possession of documents which contradict publicly stated policy. Now, ministers are entitled to a certain discretion from civil servants, and the mandarins who actually run the government depend on the loyalty and discretion of those in their departments in order for government to function. If a civil servant leaked every policy paper or sheaf of statistics which came across their desk, then nothing would ever actually get done.

In this case, Sir Humphrey in the form of David Normington has had a complete sense of humour failure. He said in his statement, "The Home Office has suffered a number of leaks of sensitive information over an extended period. Due to the nature of our business this was clearly a matter of serious concern, in that it risked undermining the effective operation of my department." He went on, "I therefore requested police assistance in trying to identify the sources of these leaks." The police arrested a junior civil servant on 19 November and there the matter really could have rested.

It's all got a bit political though. In arresting Damien Green, the police have assaulted Parliament itself. He wasn't doing anything other than holding the government to account. Mr Speaker Martin must have been involved in allowing the police officers into the Commons to effect their search of Damien Green's office. His position may become untenable. David Normington did not inform his political masters of what was going on. His job is probably at risk too. The Home Secretary really doesn't need these distractions. She'll probably need that stab vest again soon.

What is really at risk are our liberties. Parliament, as ineffective as it has been is still the guardian of our freedom. Our Members of Parliament have to be free to challenge the government and hold them to account for their words and actions. The arrest of Damien Green undermines that and it's not funny at all.