Jackie Smith, night club bouncer

I've become irritated (no, really) by one of David Cameron's Tweets. It linked me to this post about how knife crime has increased under the Labour government. Now, between them Gordon Brown, Jackie Smith and Jack Straw are responsible for many things but I don' t think that includes increasing levels of violence on the streets in Britain.

Picture this scene. Exterior. Night. Outside a club.

Jackie Smith (Home Secretary and part-time night-club bouncer, wearing her stab-proof vest): 'Scuse me. I said, 'scuse me.

Clubber 1: Me?

JS: Yeah, you. And your pissed-up friend.

(Clubber 2 staggers slightly while trying to stay upright)

Clubber 1: You not going to let me in?

JS: Just need to ask you a couple of questions.

Clubber 1: Well, all right then.

JS: Got a knife on you?

Clubber 1 (outraged): Who me? No! Course not!

JS (producing evil-looking hunting knife): Best take this. You'll need it. It's as rough as all fuck in there.

(Clubber 1 takes knife gingerly)

JS (producing bag of powdery substance): See if you can flog this while you're in there. You'll need the cash to pay for the drinks. Stay off the voddie. It's watered.

Clubber 1: Thanks. Thanks very much.

JS: On you go. What are you waiting for?

See, I can't see that happening. Politicians don't commit crime. Well, apart from Jeffrey Archer and he's more of a buffoon than a real politician. The crimes politicians commit are either too small and procedural to bother anybody with or so big they can't really be recognised for ages. At least they are in Britain.

Neither can they be held responsible for the crimes that others commit. The cabinet doesn't include "Organising the Stabbing Rota" in its deliberations. Any knife crime arranged by the cabinet would most probably include who gets to put it in the back of the Prime Minister. For the Opposition to say that it's the government's fault that knife crime is rising rather the the fault of the scummy little bags of shite who actually do the stabbing is just scoring points. It achieves nothing.

And it's the same with nearly all the campaigns run by all political parties everywhere, except possibly in Zimbabwe. There I think it's plausible to hold politicians responsible for stabbings, shootings and beatings because it's likely that some of them at least are politically organised. Not in London, though because I don't think anything is organised there.